The man left. One day, far from perfect, he simply collected his things, slammed the door and disappeared in an unknown direction. Or in the famous one - he took a taxi and moved in with his mistress. It doesn't matter. He's just not with you now. "What to do? What should I do? How am I with my child?” - these questions spin in the head of an abandoned woman every day, like a broken record.
At first she is very scared. She learns to rely only on herself and take full responsibility for the child. He gets him into kindergarten, feeds him, clothes him, pays for the judo club, but the thought still sits inside him: “He’s a father! The child must communicate with his father!” But the ex-husband is in no hurry to get in touch.
What to do in such a situation? How to solve this difficult life problem? Today I will try to help you. Ready to find a solution to the difficult equation: “family – dad = ?”
Couldn't it be any other way or just an asshole?
Let's be clear in advance: I believe that a man who avoids communicating with a child is not responsible for children is not normal. Even if he has another family and everything is wonderful there, this is not normal behavior for a worthy man.
Of course, just because I think so, nothing will change. I cannot come into your relationship and give everyone a central control: so, you communicate with your son, pay alimony, etc.
In this article I want to tell you what you can transform in yourself so that a man himself wants to communicate with his child.
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Reasons why a father does not communicate with his child after separating from his mother
There may be many reasons why a father does not communicate with his own child after a divorce, but none of them justifies such behavior.
The same applies to the grandmother, who suddenly does not want to recognize her own grandchildren just because they were born by a hated daughter-in-law. Everything about her grandchildren irritates such a grandmother - external resemblance to the mother, demeanor, style of clothing, etc. It is difficult for a reasonable person to accept such an argument, but such stories do exist. Sometimes the process of separation is so painful with mutual accusations and loud scandals that the husband once again does not want to show himself to his ex-wife, even in order to see his offspring. Here it is important for a woman to realize the situation in time and try to smooth it out. And no matter how painful it may be, under no circumstances should you make your son or daughter an instrument of revenge against your former other half. Men are built differently from their female companions; they do not have unconditional love for their children. Even the best of them eventually stop trying to communicate calmly with their heirs if the mother does everything to ruin their lives.
But situations often occur when a father, after a divorce, seems to forget that they have a son or daughter. Men generally have a very difficult time admitting their failures and do not like difficulties, so it is easier for them to choose an ostrich policy - stop all communication with their offspring, not pay child support and reassure themselves that when their son or daughter grows up, he will want to communicate with his father.
There are stories when the ex-wife irritates a man so much that even his own heirs are a reminder of her and cause rejection, so after the divorce the husband does not communicate with his own child. But having created a new family, such a husband becomes an ideal father for a stepson or stepdaughter. No wonder there is an expression “A man loves children through their mother.” And the child has a reasonable question: “Why does dad love the new children more than me?”
Three, two, one... Lethal fire!
When a man and a woman are in a quarrel, they are on opposite sides of the barricades. There is some conflict or even full-scale hostilities between them. They can be open, when a man and a woman “load” each other with claims, grievances, and create scandals, or closed, when the partners do not communicate, remain silent and pretend that the ex is an empty place.
A child in such a context cannot be equally on the side of mom and dad. No matter how much he himself wanted it. He will still have to choose his “team” to play for.
It often happens that after the parents separate, the child spends most of his time with his mother. Often it is the mother who turns the baby against the father:
- He tells him: “Dad is bad,” “Dad forgot us,” “Don’t listen to Dad,” “Don’t tell Dad...”
- Allows communication, but inside himself still carries grievances and complaints. The child “reads” them at the level of feelings. Of course, he cannot understand all the intricacies of relationships between adults, but this emotional background is conveyed to him.
As a result, the child has no choice, he is forced to decide: whose side to take? Who is right?
How to explain to a child that dad doesn't need him
Why is dad pulling away? “Often ex-spouses are surprised to discover that their problems with divorce have not ended, but that conflicts have only become more frequent,” says Anna Bykova, child and family psychologist, author of the “Lazy Mom” series of books on parenting. — A man and a woman, just as before, do not understand and irritate each other. And it seems to them that the only way out is to end any relationship
Intellectually, both understand how important it is for a child to have both a mother and a father. But at the same time, there is such an emotional tangle of resentment, anger and jealousy between them that they unwittingly create obstacles to communication with each other, and ultimately with the child
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Of course, every family has its own story, but it often happens like this: Situation 1. Dad takes the child for a walk or even to his place for an overnight stay.
Returns home.
Mom “protects” the child from a bad dad
In a “man-woman-child” situation, the partner finds himself in the line of fire. The baby seems to be standing behind the mother, and the man is looking at the child through the mother. If a woman is at war with her father, he needs to overcome resistance and guilt in order to “get” to his son or daughter.
You can say: “Yaroslav, I understand: he hates me. But what about the child? Please understand that your man looks at your children through you. Through the prism of your image, thinking, emotions.
You may think: “Why should I get rid of grudges towards my ex? Ex and ex, should I love him now?” At a minimum, to break down the wall in family relationships. I believe that you need to work through your feelings, grievances and complaints in order to:
- Try to establish relationships with father and child.
- Get rid of the burden that, like a bag of “gifts” from an evil Santa, wanders from one relationship to another.
Often a girl with a child cannot build a new relationship because she mentally sits in the swamp of her past marriage.
It seems to her that all her failures are because of men: they are not ready to bear responsibility, they do not want to drag a woman “with a trailer.” I do not exclude such options, but to be honest, 90% of the role here is played by the woman’s emotional background, which scares away potential partners - pity, guilt, resentment.
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Why fathers don't communicate with children after divorce
Why does it happen that fathers no longer need children raised by mothers without their participation? Why do fathers stop communicating with their children after a family breakdown?
Psychologists believe that the reasons for this attitude of men may lie in the character of a person, in his value orientation, as well as in the culture to which he belongs. Let's look at the main reasons
.
Many modern men do not believe in the future and refuse to appreciate the past. The instability of modern life means that men no longer feel like the main link in the family chain, the successors of the family. They live one day at a time and do not think about the future or about other people, including children. All care for children (even in two-parent families) is completely transferred to the shoulders of women. Modern men's priorities and social guidelines have completely changed. Their social ranking is no longer determined by the number of heirs or the power of the family clan. Material well-being is much more important now. For this reason, children have ceased to be important to the stronger sex, because they do not see the point in “stressing” over something that will not bring them success. Currently, many men have lost their moral guidelines, believing that everyone should be for themselves, that you can’t rely on anyone in life
It is quite natural that with such an attitude, children, as long-term projects requiring reliable partners, are not considered by men as something worth paying attention to.
Many men began to ignore their obligations to society and stopped feeling that they had an obligation to raise their offspring. This opinion is based on the belief that the modern state does not value its citizens.
Thus, there are strong social and cultural reasons
, which are not so easy to eliminate. However, if you don’t look deep into the problem, the answer to the question of why dads don’t communicate with their children after a divorce can be found on the surface.
Firstly, this may indicate a man’s reluctance to see his ex-wife (which is inevitable), who, quite possibly, already has a new husband. There are many feelings mixed here: resentment, wounded male pride, and anger. Secondly, the father can transfer his hatred of his ex-wife to the child. This reason is especially obvious in a situation where the son or daughter is very similar to the mother or relatives on the mother’s side. Thirdly, a man may have a new family that requires all his attention, and there is simply no time, energy, or finances left for the children from his previous marriage. In addition, the new wife may resist communication between the father and the child from his ex-wife. Fourth, men, in general, treat children differently than women. Somewhere very deep in them there may be fear or suspicion that the child was not conceived from him (after all, only the mother can be 100% sure that the child was born from her). Fifthly, as you know, dad’s love and mom’s love are two completely different substances. A mother loves her child simply for who he is, no matter what his appearance, character, performance at school, etc.
At the same time, it is important for the father that the offspring be the way the father wants him to be, so that the child meets his expectations and requirements (for example, he is successful, healthy, handsome, athletic, has common interests with his father).
If this does not happen, or if the child is still too small to win the love of his father, then the man ceases to see the point in continuing to communicate with that person who simply comes from him biologically, but does not evoke any parental feelings and pride.
It is not enough to understand the reason that a father refuses to interact with his children after the breakdown of the family - we need to correct this, if possible. Otherwise, it turns out that communication between father and son/daughter is nothing more than simply imposed mandatory communication due to living together.
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Love from under the stick
How do women behave in a situation when a man pretends to be a shadow and “forgets” about his son or daughter?
Many people begin to force their ex to “love” the child: “You must!” You are the father! Honey, you're a grown woman. Surely you understand that it is impossible to force a person to do something through whips and lectures. You don’t get a kick out of this behavior yourself, do you?
Not to make it more convenient for your ex to communicate with you. Not for him, but for yourself. It is important to understand that all your feelings, emotions and grievances are “read” by children. They learn this. They not only memorize the smart lectures that you give them 24/7. They feel the emotional background. Just like you, as a small child, I felt the background between mom and dad.
After the divorce, the husband completely stopped communicating with the children
Question to a psychologist Asked by: Valentina, years old Category of question: Children 12/20/2011 Good afternoon! My husband and I separated 1.5 years ago, we have children 2.5 years old and 12 years old. Divorced, if globally, because of completely different views on raising children, differences in life values, etc.
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The ex-husband sent money for the children for almost a year, but never even called his son, incl. I didn’t even wish you a happy birthday. Despite the fact that when he left, I said that he could meet with the children whenever he wanted, I am only for their communication. For the last six months, he quit his job and didn’t help with money, but once he came to the children, asked to meet them on the street, talked with his son for 10 minutes about the weather, about nature, without asking about school or hobbies. and complained that in the near future he would not be able to help financially. That's all. He told me - well, you cope with children - that’s good.
